It's been a long year.
A long year full of rough times... times that were so hard I returned to things that I thought I would never do... It's been so hard that I've wanted to just end it all to make it easier for myself and everyone else.
I've done things that I'll regret for the rest of my life.
I've said things that I can never take back.
I've been doing things to myself that I know will never be able to be undone...
Sometimes I wonder if it's all really worth it...
An old friend of mine and I once listened to something on the radio, completely by chance. I had no idea that they would be listening, or that they would understand it either.
to be a Happy Carrot.
Is there truly ignorance in bliss?
I thought for a while that there must be... I hoped that that would be the reasoning behind all of this... the reason why I keep pursuing everything that I've been going through these past 12 months... six days from now will mark one official year back in this country - the place that has changed me more than I thought Mexico ever had.
I strived for a goal this year... a goal that I surprised myself into meeting.
I've done it.
Piece by piece, step by step, I've come up with all the facts about both sides of this bizarre and twisted story.
I didn't actually think that a person could turn INTO a happy carrot... but apparently it's possible. And I must admit, the bliss of it sometimes is so sweet... it's just so incredible to forget all the difficult thoughts... to just take a puff and let your mind careen into green hell, or to forget everything and pretend like nothing ever mattered to you. I've turned my life into an experiment... some twisted, ingenious experiment... and the results are coming back now more than just slightly conclusive.
There are up-sides and down-sides to these results...
And I haven't been able to decide whether or not to act on either of them.
Forutnately I have my Genny. Genny who can understand this whole "two-sided deal." She knows, like I do, the pleasure of being able to switch back and forth between sides... She also knows the demented thoughts it can leave behind.. the slum it can render a being and place into.
If I could just take the easy way out... if I had no conscience left at all and I could just forget all about it... I might be able to manage doing it.
But there is no pride in it.
There is only shame for those careless enough to remember older, deeper times.
I don't think I could ever do it... but I can't remain on the fence for the rest of my life. There are too many tempting things on either side... On one, popularity, beauty on the surface, mindless fun, general acceptance... Bliss in short... But on the other side there is intelligence, moral, inner beauty, recollection and other deep things... they just come with the burden of standing apart...
I always had a desire to be higher up... To raise myself up above the rest and make something of myself.
Not this year though.. I wanted to rise above what I knew before and just be content with it... to sneak through my last remaining days in Canada in solitude and general quietude. And I've managed it. I feel better about myself in so many ways, and the best thing about it, in a month or two, no one will remember that I even took up those few short seconds on stage to declare what my future in life is going to be.
I've slipped through everyone's minds...
No strings attached...
Very few regrets...
Just the way it was supposed to be.
Am I truly happy?
Of course not.
Is it acceptable?
Was it worth it?
Only time will tell...
Where I'm going though, it won't matter.
In less than two months I'm going back... back to the balmy beaches of Puerto Escondido to forget the hardships that Canada has brought upon me.. the Truth it has made me come face to face with and DEAL WITH once and for all... Mexico is not the easy way out... it is AN easy way out of here... but it of course will be nothing permanent. Six months later I may find myself in the government, translating between languages, or maybe I'll find myself at the receptionist's desk at the hotel of Puerto del Sol. Maybe I'll even be on my way to Australia by then.. planning to see my Kasita again...
But wherever I am, the results of this year and the past year will follow me forever.
I can never live them down...
Maybe I can forget them... but not to the extent necessary to outlive them.
It's been a good run.
Maybe the Truth will come out sooner than I thought... there is much going on that most don't even know about.
Oh Genny knows... I think she knows more than anyone ever has... and I love her for it. Genny, the boon of my existence in this country... the one who has made it seem possible after all hope was lost... I don't give her enough credit, even when I do.
Thank you to the rest of you though.
1. Earth Sciences - Zenzen
2. Applied English 12 / Lit 12 - Bortolussi (Linear)
3. Social Studies 11 - Taylor
4. English 11 Honours - Burr
1. Writing 12 - Wieler
2. History 12 - Wieler (Linear)
3. Math 11 - Smiley
4. Beginner German 11 - Warkentin-Scott
1. If you were a fruit, which would you be and why?
Definitely a blueberry. It's like my trademark.
2. If you wake up and smell smoke, and you have to get everybody (pets included) out of the house safely, but you have time to grab one item, what would you grab?
The computer tower. I need all my writing. So probably my laptop and this computer here too.
3. If you were stuck on an island, who would be the one person you would want with you and why?
Hmm... Paco? I can't imagine ever getting to a difficult point, and he's rather resourceful. We probably wouldn't kill each other after a few weeks either.
4. If you could change one thing about your physical appearance, what would it be?
My skin tone. Not for racism reasons, but becuase I'm quite fed up with being so bloody white now. It you asked me this before Mexico, I'd say my ears, because they're crooked, just like my twin's ears.
5. If you could spend the day with one famous person, dead or alive, who would you choose?
Well, because I don't want to think too hard about it, I'll say Phillip Pullman so I could discuss further the reasoning and science behind His Dark Materials Triology.
1. What sets you apart from your friends?
Exchange. I'm sorry, that's probably it. Simply at least.
2. What sets you apart from your family?
Besides everything? Uhh... I'm left handed, have three other families, one of whom I love to bits, I speak other languages, I draw, I like fantasy, I'm a dog person, my way of living, the fact that I know the meaning to life (which apparently pisses them off), among many.
3. What sets you apart from your coworkers/fellow students?
Co-workers? Uhh, existence probably... Students? I dunno, I think I'm pretty off beat, and WAY too variable now... like, I don't feel comfortable with the cool kids for very long (although I like it), I don't feel comfortable with my cool kids for very long anymore, I don't feel comfortable with the wierd kids for very long anymore, I don't feel comfortable with the frenchies for very long anymore... But between fellow exchange students? That I'm the tallest Canadian. Who's left handed, I guess. :P
4. What is the one thing about you that is most unique?
Besides something lame like DNA... That I like children (especially nine year olds - if you don't know, read the previous entry before finishing this) but I don't like babies. Yep, how's that for wierd?
5. What is your most interesting quality?
Uhh... my exchangenalismness? (Please fill in blank disguised as strange word incorporated from "exchange.") At least, that's what I think. You guys probably are tired of it already. I'd be.
Well, today was the first time in a while that I actually got to feel Scottish in what seems far too long.
I went to the Skagit Valley Highland Games (AKA Mt Vernon), and they'd be my first games since last summer! Actually, my first Scottishisms since then entirely!!
And even though I didn't compete, or even see much of Highland Dance, I got back into the swing of things for the Games and stuff, and now I'll be TOTALLY pumped for the best games of all time (near the Fraser Valley) - ALSO KNOWN AS ENUMCLAW!!! WHOOT!!!
And besides, that, I met what is defitely the cutest little kid on the planet.
My personal favourite age: 12
My personal favourite age of children: 9
So this little nine year old had straight blonde hair, green eyes, tanned skin, freckles all over his nose, and he was not only healthy looking, but skinny!
And you'll NEVER guess what his name was.
Not only was he entirely adorable, but his name was Mykah! (Or at least that's the way it sounded - My-kUH)
Wow... I wanted to steal him.
Now I want more than ever to be a dad, or at least have a little 6 year old brother. He would be the cutest little guy, just liike that, his name would be Gabriel or something like that (never Gabe), and he would be just like little Mykah. Adorable to comparison with the best, and just as well mannered. Although he'd have two older brothers (Noah, then Joshua for a middle child), but after today I'd be tempted to just keep the little Gabriel all to myself and completely spoil him. (Like, not spoil spoil, but give him so much love...) So I asked my parents jokingly (sorta not) if I could have a little brother, and then they ruined it with the thing about mom not only having medapause (don't correct me on that spelling, I know it's wrong), then scarred me with her historectomy (or whatever)... wierd parent talking...
He was so cute!! So innocent... Tan lindito!! :D
Ai dios... quiero este hermanito...
If I could pick, it'd be the little brother...
I'd make the bestest big brother. I know it.
I still don't like babies.
Climbing Cheam tomorrow.
She's my favourite sister on the planet.
She'll always be my sister, host sister, exchange sister, and she might as well be my blood sister.
I love her to bits.
I will miss her soooooooo much and can't wait for March and hope I have money enough for January.
La quiero MUCHISSIMO!!! <3
Analo... Mi manita :)
1. Last cigarette: A few days ago? It was just one... I've only smoked two since I got back to Tlalixtac. The time before I was in a tree.
2. Last beverage: Lime juice.
3. Last phone call: Paco.
4. Last text message: Last time I had a cellphone?
5. Last CD played: Uhh... I don't have CDs.
6. Last bubble bath: Ages ago... I don't even remember.
7. Last time you cried: On the bus from Puerto Escondido to Oaxaca.
1. Have you ever dated someone twice? Not yet.
2. Have you ever been cheated on? Nope.
3. Have you ever bought condoms? Not yet :P
4. Have you ever kissed someone & regretted it? Uhh...
5. Have you ever fallen in a creek? At my grandparents' house.
6. Have you ever lost someone? Maybe.. :S
7. Have you ever been depressed? Umm... good lord. A lot.
8. Have you ever been drunk and thrown up? It's called San Miguel del Allemane.
Name SIX things you did in the past three days
1. Made my first Iced Mocha Cappuchino. (Today)
2. Bought my family dinner at the taqueria (taco joint) two doors down from the cafe. Mmmm... pastor.
4. Watched "Los Cuatros Fantasticos" with sisters.
5. Listened to the names of all the songs on the Children's Music Cassette that I think Alejandra was reading aloud.
6. Got another piercing.
List FOUR people you can tell pretty much anything to:
List THREE favorite colors
Blue, Yellow, Red
List TWO things you want to do before you die
1. Have a pet white tiger.
SO FAR IN 07′…
Been to school: Three, actually. La Fundación de Benito Juárez, El Colegio Inter-Canadiense and La Prepa Puerto Escondido.
Made a new friend: It's called Mexico and Rotary Exchange.
Fallen out of a tree: Nope, I have better balance.
Done something you swore never to do: Two.
Laughed until you cried: Jorge and probably Cam's fault.
Went behind your parents back: I snuck out of the Colonia Reforma and got caught in the middle of a civil riot with Dakota and her novio.
Met someone who changed your life: A lot of them.
Gotten close to someone: Not that kind of close. Otherwise I got really close to a lot.
Found out who your true friends were: Made some new ones. :)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF……
1. Bush? Should've been shot faster than JFK.
2. Gay Marriage? Anything to piss of religion. :)
4. Straight, Gay, Bi? See previous response, plus congrats because they've got lots of courage.
5. Do you have a crush? Yes.
6. Who is the best hugger that you know? Clare. So far.
7. Do you believe in love at first sight? Do I believe in love?
8. Is there something you want to tell someone? Yes, as a matter of fact. Lots of things to lots of people.
9. What brand of shirt are you wearing? Some kind of Mexican shirt that says Rotary Exchange on the front and "Que Padre es Mexico" behind.
10. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends? No. That's why they're friends. Besides, crushes are long gone.
11. Do you have “a thing” for anyone on your top friends? I did.
13. How many kids do you want to have? Three or five. Sons. Three: Gabriel, Joshua, Noah. Five: Thahn, Matus, Lyzer, Braeli, Calin.
14. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? My second Mexican parents.
15. Do you want to change your name? Not right now.
16. What did you do for your last birthday? Had some people come over that I didn't know. Plus Diego.
17. What time did you wake up today? A bit past nine.
18. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching "Los Cuartos Fantasticos."
19. Name something you CANNOT wait to do: Move to Belgium.
20. Last time you saw your dad? Canadian dad: almost ten months ago. Victor: seven months ago. Guillermo: A few hours ago. Nico: 18 days ago.
21. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself? My height.
22. Which hand do you like better? My left. I'm lefty, and it sets me apart. Plus it's scarless.
23. What are you listening to right now? Mexican rain and Smallville in Spanish.
24. What is one last thing you did today? Made my last phone call to Paco in Mexico.